You are not the cause of someone else’s anger.
Something you say or do might be the trigger for someone else’s anger, but the individual who responds to you with judgments and anger has chosen to respond in this way. This might sound bizarre, using the word “chosen” but we do have a choice how to respond to a hard to hear message. Very often the response is not a conscious choice, it is an immediate impulsive reaction or it might be a learned behavior (strategy to get their need met) and it is alienating for both of you.
So when someone responds with anger or judgments to your actions or words, remember that it is their reality, experience and pain, which causes them to react in the way that they do.
Instead of reacting with judgments and anger and increasing the conflict try empathizing and finding out what is behind the outburst. Become curious and connect with the person to learn more about their triggers. I can assure you that it will bring you closer together. Here is an opportunity to learn more, to connect on a deeper level and to gain more understanding.
I can remember a teacher of mine saying “Love your triggers”. At first I was confused, how can I love what challenges me, but then I realized that it offers the opportunity to grow in the relationship. It offers the possibility of learning more about the other and deepening the connection to one another.
Heather Markgraf 